Oh yes gentleman. It is the post you have wondered whether it would be written or not. It is that time of year that we men just do not understand. I do not know that I understand it myself that well, but I think I am on the path to enlightenment... a long.... painful..... arduous........tormenting......... wonderful path.
It's almost VALENTINES DAY!!! You see the emotion I just showed there? That was lesson one. There are three things that you need to remember in order to have a great Valentine's Day with your special lady. The three things are....
First, this holiday is not about you and it is only half about her. This holiday is an opportunity for you to show her how much you love her and how important she is to you, but most importantly it is so that all her girlfriends, female co-workers, women acquaintances, and ladies who are within viewing distance know this also. She needs this VERY VERY much in her life and this makes her VERY VERY happy. This is the day you don't just tell her how you feel about her. You need - no should- want to tell everyone else how lucky you are to have a woman that will put up with your manly stupidity. Have flowers delivered to her work, not the house. Paint her name on a water tower (for those of you in Arkansas). So pound your chest and make sure every other alpha-male knows that "this is MY lady and will be forever. Too bad for you." Remember this in the other two things....
Second thing about this holiday is the thing that every man dreads..... The gift. Let's start here. If you do not know what to get your wife, you haven't been paying attention. She has been telling you since she woke up hung over next to your ugly ass New Years Day. Go back in your mind and try to recall conversations that include the words "oh I need that" or "don't you think that is perfect." They say these words to you all the time and you let them go in one ear and out the other adding them to the long long long long list of things she says that you pay no attention to and dismissed as fanciful ramblings of a mad woman. There was a reason they were telling you this, and that is reason is V-Day. It does not have to be expensive. How much you spend is a personal thing between you and your partner. Don't get me wrong, they would only be mad at you for buying diamond earrings for about as long as it takes for her to say "take out the trash." IF you are thinking about the sexy lingerie it is ONLY acceptable with another gift that is SPECTACULAR. So the first gift should be good enough to be a reason for her to want to actually wear the gawd-awful piece of trash you ordered from Fredericks of Hollywood. But the good thing about the two present approach is that is says to her that you were listening, recognized her desires, and you still have the desire for her too. The first present should be given to her in as public a place as possible. (remember the first thing ....) The second present, and let's face it, it is really for you, should be done in private. I know you would think that this is obvious, but we men can be dense at times. Maybe replace that ratty old pajama set in the drawer with your second gift. ;)
The third and the last thing. GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS and get her out someplace or at the very very least put some effort in to a romantic evening at home. The dinner at home thing is something I do not recommend, but it is at least you putting out some effort. Remember the first thing? By this time, two days before V-Day, you should already have a plan for evening activities. Get out there and dine with her, dance with her, and put on that pink shirt you have in the back of the closet that she bought for you that you "NEVER wear". (those words sound familiar???hmmmmm???) You have one, every man who is married does, wear it proudly and realize that every other man you come across today will understand why you are wearing it. Oh we are still going to give you crap about it, but so what.
Gentleman, I have a wonderful wife who is the rock in my life. She is better than me at SO MANY things, and she makes me a better man. I have no idea what I would do if I didn't have her in my life, it is a scary thought that I don't even want to think about. I love her with all my heart, respect her with all my honor, and try every day to live up to the man she deserves. You will never be lucky enough to have such an amazing, strong, beautiful woman in your life because my wife is one of a kind. But if you have a woman that is close to her, then make Valentine's Day very special for her. To all the couples in the world, may you always celebrate this day with love.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Put down the Cosmopolitan
So I am sitting at my hometown watering hole the other day, Angelo’s Tavern. You may know the place, every man should at least know the type of place. Angelo’s is one of those great guy bars. It is sports themed. The owner is a friend and the patrons a real “bar community.” The bartenders know me and they know what I like to drink. You can come there and just B.S. with the guys, gripe about whatever sports team just cannot seem to get it together that week, play a game of pool, watch sports center on one of the many TV’s around the place, or challenge the reigning bar champion to a round of arcade golf. This is a place where guys should be able to be men in the very quintessential way.
So while I am sitting at the bar talking to the bartender sipping a scotch on the rocks I see a man walk in the bar. He was one of those burly types with tattoos, shoes that looked like they were meant for men’s work, and jeans that were worn in all the spots men’s jeans should be worn in. He walks to the bar and orders some girly fruity drink that you would expect to see a pink umbrella floating in the top of it when it is proffered by the bar keep. I took a moment to look up and down the bar and around at the surrounding tables and realized that more men had fruit in their drinks than I had realized before. Inspiration hit me and I thought to myself that this is one area where the “art of being men” had really been lost.
Let me offer this opinion before we get in to the meat of the matter. Real men do not abuse alcohol. They do not use alcohol to escape from their lives and woes. They do lose control of themselves from over consumption. Alcohol should be enjoyed in moderation, but if we are going to enjoy alcohol let’s enjoy it with some style, class and like men.
Men who have not forgotten what being a man is about know that fruit flavor liquors are on the shelves of this establishment for the wives and wives to be when they have come to this place with their men some evenings wanting to share in the joy their man finds in this atmosphere. I mean think about it. If a woman is going to a local watering hole that is sports themed they want to be with their man in an environment where they are men, so why would a man order the same drink his wife/girlfriend orders!? Let’s see if we can start a basic rule list for alcohol that men should drink. First let’s establish that the only things that are acceptable are beers (we will talk more about these later), vodka, bourbons, whiskeys, scotch, and tequila. Stick to these and you are on the road to the art of being men. None of these things should be fruit flavored. No… Bacardi Citron, no matter what you mix it with, should ever be ordered. Lime Bite is NOT alcohol. It is something mixed with alcohol so women can drink without actually tasting the alcohol. There should never be any pieces of fruit or fruit juices in a drink you order. If a drink is made in a blender, you better be ordering it on a beach in a tropical paradise. If you are going to mix your liquor with something it should be something that comes out of the little multi-selector nozzle that every bar is equipped with, i.e. Coke(never diet-REALLY!?!?! You just ordered bourbon that has more calories and carbs than 3 regular cokes in one shot) or tonic or soda. If you really want to capture the lost art of being men, then just order a Makers on Ice and let it be known to all that see it put in front of you on the bar that you are man enough to enjoy a good bourbon by itself.
The shot. Ordering shots are where I see men not being men more often than any other time. The definition of a shot, for a man, is 2 ounces of a single alcohol drank in one manly motion. If you walk up to the bar and say the words “4 lemon puckers please” it BETTER be followed by the words “for those 4 ladies at that table.” If you are a man and you want a shot, think about Josey Wales walking into a saloon and telling the bartender “give me a Lifesaver” and how quick every gun in the saloon would have been unloaded into him 2 seconds after ordering that shot. If any man EVER orders a “B.J.” shot, it is the duty of every other man in the bar to drag his ass out to the parking lot and kick the crap out of him and throw his butt in to his pink VW Rabbit and tell him to leave the premises. So men, just order a shot of whiskey with a beer back and tell them “that’ll put hair on your chest.”
Moving on to beers. This is probably one of the trickiest items for men. Just because it says “beer” on the label does not mean you should order and drink it. If there is a character of a fruit on the label, put it down. Beers should really follow the rules of alcohol, no fruit. There are places that drinking the mass produced “barley pops” are acceptable. To appease my fellow OstateIllustrated.com tailgaters I will say that football tailgates, bar-b-q’s, boat outings and sports events are places where the pale-yellow wannabe lagers are acceptable. But if you want to show some style, class, and taste choose a beer that does not come in an aluminum can, cannot be confused with urine, and actually has some taste to it also.
So if you are ready to rediscover the “lost art of being men” when you drink, come down to Angelo’s Tavern and we will sit at the bar gripe about our wives, B.S. with the bartender and drink our whiskey with a beer back as men.
So while I am sitting at the bar talking to the bartender sipping a scotch on the rocks I see a man walk in the bar. He was one of those burly types with tattoos, shoes that looked like they were meant for men’s work, and jeans that were worn in all the spots men’s jeans should be worn in. He walks to the bar and orders some girly fruity drink that you would expect to see a pink umbrella floating in the top of it when it is proffered by the bar keep. I took a moment to look up and down the bar and around at the surrounding tables and realized that more men had fruit in their drinks than I had realized before. Inspiration hit me and I thought to myself that this is one area where the “art of being men” had really been lost.
Let me offer this opinion before we get in to the meat of the matter. Real men do not abuse alcohol. They do not use alcohol to escape from their lives and woes. They do lose control of themselves from over consumption. Alcohol should be enjoyed in moderation, but if we are going to enjoy alcohol let’s enjoy it with some style, class and like men.
Men who have not forgotten what being a man is about know that fruit flavor liquors are on the shelves of this establishment for the wives and wives to be when they have come to this place with their men some evenings wanting to share in the joy their man finds in this atmosphere. I mean think about it. If a woman is going to a local watering hole that is sports themed they want to be with their man in an environment where they are men, so why would a man order the same drink his wife/girlfriend orders!? Let’s see if we can start a basic rule list for alcohol that men should drink. First let’s establish that the only things that are acceptable are beers (we will talk more about these later), vodka, bourbons, whiskeys, scotch, and tequila. Stick to these and you are on the road to the art of being men. None of these things should be fruit flavored. No… Bacardi Citron, no matter what you mix it with, should ever be ordered. Lime Bite is NOT alcohol. It is something mixed with alcohol so women can drink without actually tasting the alcohol. There should never be any pieces of fruit or fruit juices in a drink you order. If a drink is made in a blender, you better be ordering it on a beach in a tropical paradise. If you are going to mix your liquor with something it should be something that comes out of the little multi-selector nozzle that every bar is equipped with, i.e. Coke(never diet-REALLY!?!?! You just ordered bourbon that has more calories and carbs than 3 regular cokes in one shot) or tonic or soda. If you really want to capture the lost art of being men, then just order a Makers on Ice and let it be known to all that see it put in front of you on the bar that you are man enough to enjoy a good bourbon by itself.
The shot. Ordering shots are where I see men not being men more often than any other time. The definition of a shot, for a man, is 2 ounces of a single alcohol drank in one manly motion. If you walk up to the bar and say the words “4 lemon puckers please” it BETTER be followed by the words “for those 4 ladies at that table.” If you are a man and you want a shot, think about Josey Wales walking into a saloon and telling the bartender “give me a Lifesaver” and how quick every gun in the saloon would have been unloaded into him 2 seconds after ordering that shot. If any man EVER orders a “B.J.” shot, it is the duty of every other man in the bar to drag his ass out to the parking lot and kick the crap out of him and throw his butt in to his pink VW Rabbit and tell him to leave the premises. So men, just order a shot of whiskey with a beer back and tell them “that’ll put hair on your chest.”
Moving on to beers. This is probably one of the trickiest items for men. Just because it says “beer” on the label does not mean you should order and drink it. If there is a character of a fruit on the label, put it down. Beers should really follow the rules of alcohol, no fruit. There are places that drinking the mass produced “barley pops” are acceptable. To appease my fellow OstateIllustrated.com tailgaters I will say that football tailgates, bar-b-q’s, boat outings and sports events are places where the pale-yellow wannabe lagers are acceptable. But if you want to show some style, class, and taste choose a beer that does not come in an aluminum can, cannot be confused with urine, and actually has some taste to it also.
So if you are ready to rediscover the “lost art of being men” when you drink, come down to Angelo’s Tavern and we will sit at the bar gripe about our wives, B.S. with the bartender and drink our whiskey with a beer back as men.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Let's start at the top - Hair
Look men, hair has always been something that has been either not given the proper consideration or WAY overdone. You hair says a lot about you and is one of the things that people notice first about you. A true man puts thought in to every aspect of his look. Why wouldn't you think about what your hair is saying about you?
First aspect of your hair is length. Let's start with a disclaimer that balding men are not considered in this discussion. We will get to you guys later. There are a lot of opinions about hair length. After all we are not all in the Marines so "high and tight" is not a hair style. Conversely, there are some men that choose long hair. If you are not a hippy living in Boulder, CO or character in a Daniele Steele romance novel, you should probably reconsider the long lox. I think a good rule of thumb for hair length is that if you have a full head of hair you should not show your scalp through your hair and it should not be so long that people cannot see your eyes and ears. Inside of of those limits there is a lot of room to fit your hair length to the hair style you choose. So what about those styles??
The style of a man's hair is probably the most difficult part of the equation. With "barbers" going the way of fedoras, pipes, and smoking jackets it is hard for men to find a place and a person to give them a suitable manly hairstyle. You cannot leave your hair style to the "stylists" in today's world. Do you really want the "i just rubbed a balloon on my head" look that the typical homosexual male stylist is sporting in the salon? Do you want the same woman that charged your wife $150 to make her hair 10 different colors and 6 different lengths to choose what your hair looks like? So, here is my advice. Take control of your hair and tell him/her what you want. You are a man and you are NEVER going to be able to explain the hairstyle you want to a hair stylists. A man's hair vocabulary consists of "parted", "goes this way", and "combed." Those words will never get you what you want. So take a picture with you or look through those books that the shop has in their waiting area while you wait for your stylist to put the woman she has been working on for three hours under the big blower hood thing and point to it and just say "this is what I want."
Some rules to follow about what NOT to do with a hairstyle would be helpful to most men. First, hairstyles that look wet are for mobsters from the 1960's and Gordon Gekko. You are not either one of those so don't even try it. Second, glue is for children to make glitter stick to paper NOT for hair. If a style requires glue, you probably watch way too much of "The Bachelor" and that is for a whole different blog post. Styles requiring gel, hairsprays and hair dryers are fine as long as they do not look like you used half a container of either of the first two. Most importantly if your hair stylist at ANY time uses foil, rollers, or the blow dryer hood thing, GET UP AND WALK AWAY.
Last let's talk about caring for your hair. The most important rule that applies here is that you should under no cicumstance ever require more than two bottles of anything for your hair in the shower. (Yes shower, not bath. The only bath that is acceptable for a man is one that has a naked woman in it with him.) If your hair is so bad that it requires more than shampoo and conditioner, you don't need a hair stylist, you need a doctor. Your hair care products should never cost more that what you spent on lunch last Wednesday with your buddies. Contrary to what you may have heard from your hair stylist, the same soap that you used to wash your pits can be used on your hair. Your hair just lived the same day that your skin did. So if it is good enough for your skin, it will work fine on your hair. Styling products following a "rule of one." One product to style your hair and one product ONLY. You are not Leah Thompson in Howard The Duck so you don't need to use more than one product to style your hair. Use this single product conservatively. You should never spend more than 10 minutes for hair care in a day. This includes washing AND styling.
As promised early we will spend just a few moments helping the balding men out there. The most important thing for balding men to remember is that you will never find a hairstyle that makes you look like you are not balding. No, I am sorry you will NEVER find a hairstyle that makes you look like you are not balding. That deserved repeating. It is okay to be a balding man. Some of the great iconic men in history were balding and embraced it(Sean Connery, Kareem Abdul Jabar, Vince Lombardi). The rule with balding men is the shorter the better. Long and balding is never a good combination. This is the only situation where the "buzz cut" and the "razor close" styles are acceptable. Turn being a balding man into an advantage and take on a distinguished gentleman style with your hair. Also, being balding is an advantage because you can wear hats and take them off when you enter a building (another lost courtesy of men) and not have hat hair.
So men should put some thought in to their hair, but should not look like they worry about their hair. Choose your style, show it to the hair stylist, and don't do too much with your hair. The lost art of being a man starts with your hair.
First aspect of your hair is length. Let's start with a disclaimer that balding men are not considered in this discussion. We will get to you guys later. There are a lot of opinions about hair length. After all we are not all in the Marines so "high and tight" is not a hair style. Conversely, there are some men that choose long hair. If you are not a hippy living in Boulder, CO or character in a Daniele Steele romance novel, you should probably reconsider the long lox. I think a good rule of thumb for hair length is that if you have a full head of hair you should not show your scalp through your hair and it should not be so long that people cannot see your eyes and ears. Inside of of those limits there is a lot of room to fit your hair length to the hair style you choose. So what about those styles??
The style of a man's hair is probably the most difficult part of the equation. With "barbers" going the way of fedoras, pipes, and smoking jackets it is hard for men to find a place and a person to give them a suitable manly hairstyle. You cannot leave your hair style to the "stylists" in today's world. Do you really want the "i just rubbed a balloon on my head" look that the typical homosexual male stylist is sporting in the salon? Do you want the same woman that charged your wife $150 to make her hair 10 different colors and 6 different lengths to choose what your hair looks like? So, here is my advice. Take control of your hair and tell him/her what you want. You are a man and you are NEVER going to be able to explain the hairstyle you want to a hair stylists. A man's hair vocabulary consists of "parted", "goes this way", and "combed." Those words will never get you what you want. So take a picture with you or look through those books that the shop has in their waiting area while you wait for your stylist to put the woman she has been working on for three hours under the big blower hood thing and point to it and just say "this is what I want."
Some rules to follow about what NOT to do with a hairstyle would be helpful to most men. First, hairstyles that look wet are for mobsters from the 1960's and Gordon Gekko. You are not either one of those so don't even try it. Second, glue is for children to make glitter stick to paper NOT for hair. If a style requires glue, you probably watch way too much of "The Bachelor" and that is for a whole different blog post. Styles requiring gel, hairsprays and hair dryers are fine as long as they do not look like you used half a container of either of the first two. Most importantly if your hair stylist at ANY time uses foil, rollers, or the blow dryer hood thing, GET UP AND WALK AWAY.
Last let's talk about caring for your hair. The most important rule that applies here is that you should under no cicumstance ever require more than two bottles of anything for your hair in the shower. (Yes shower, not bath. The only bath that is acceptable for a man is one that has a naked woman in it with him.) If your hair is so bad that it requires more than shampoo and conditioner, you don't need a hair stylist, you need a doctor. Your hair care products should never cost more that what you spent on lunch last Wednesday with your buddies. Contrary to what you may have heard from your hair stylist, the same soap that you used to wash your pits can be used on your hair. Your hair just lived the same day that your skin did. So if it is good enough for your skin, it will work fine on your hair. Styling products following a "rule of one." One product to style your hair and one product ONLY. You are not Leah Thompson in Howard The Duck so you don't need to use more than one product to style your hair. Use this single product conservatively. You should never spend more than 10 minutes for hair care in a day. This includes washing AND styling.
As promised early we will spend just a few moments helping the balding men out there. The most important thing for balding men to remember is that you will never find a hairstyle that makes you look like you are not balding. No, I am sorry you will NEVER find a hairstyle that makes you look like you are not balding. That deserved repeating. It is okay to be a balding man. Some of the great iconic men in history were balding and embraced it(Sean Connery, Kareem Abdul Jabar, Vince Lombardi). The rule with balding men is the shorter the better. Long and balding is never a good combination. This is the only situation where the "buzz cut" and the "razor close" styles are acceptable. Turn being a balding man into an advantage and take on a distinguished gentleman style with your hair. Also, being balding is an advantage because you can wear hats and take them off when you enter a building (another lost courtesy of men) and not have hat hair.
So men should put some thought in to their hair, but should not look like they worry about their hair. Choose your style, show it to the hair stylist, and don't do too much with your hair. The lost art of being a man starts with your hair.
Welcome to the L.A.O.B.M. blog
I decided to create this blog because with today's modern society the rules of being a man that our fathers and grandfathers obeyed just don't seem to apply to our modern society. The icons of men past (Bogart, Sinatra, John Wayne, Chuck Norris, to name just a few) lived in a different world with different rules. In today's society with male icons such as Will Ferrell, Steve Carell, Keith Urban, and Robert Pattinson we seem to not know how to be men any more. I no longer see men doing the things that I grew up seeing men do. No man ever stands when a woman leaves or arrives back at a table. How often does a man pick up something that a woman drops while standing in line at the local grocery store? The conventional rules of male fashion seem to be quickly fading in to a hodgepodge of style that is gender confused. My daughter has male friends that I swear buy their clothes at the junior women's section at the thrift shop. Did they realize the jeans they bought already have holes in them and "bedazzled" back pockets?
Don't get me wrong here. I absolutely do not subscribe to the theory that men have to have huge muscles, go looking for a fight, have grease under their fingernails or not be concerned with their appearance. I think being a man is about many things that have become lost in the quest for an "understand and accepting" society. Things like honor, respect, style and class have taken a backseat to hair products, status, and popularity.
Let's rediscover the art of being men together. I would like this site to be a lot of interaction and user generated content. So your input on the subjects discussed here are very important. Please log in and give your opinions and help us teach each other and future generations the subtle ways that men are men.
Don't get me wrong here. I absolutely do not subscribe to the theory that men have to have huge muscles, go looking for a fight, have grease under their fingernails or not be concerned with their appearance. I think being a man is about many things that have become lost in the quest for an "understand and accepting" society. Things like honor, respect, style and class have taken a backseat to hair products, status, and popularity.
Let's rediscover the art of being men together. I would like this site to be a lot of interaction and user generated content. So your input on the subjects discussed here are very important. Please log in and give your opinions and help us teach each other and future generations the subtle ways that men are men.
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